Somewhere, someone is having a perfect Christmas, filled with chestnuts roasting and sleigh bells ringing…
Screw ‘em.
Most of us are having just the opposite: a nutcrackin’ nightmare of anger, hurt feelings, evil in-laws, and carbs beyond counting. A time when grudges grow and gasses pass. A time of maxed-out credit cards and a ham that the vegetarians are ready to hurl through the frosty window.
Evil little brothers, pregnant tattooed sisters, horny dogs, and cross-dressing dads – they’re all here, ready to spread their Christmas cheer.
So untangle the lights, spill some eggnog, and gather ’round the place where happier families would have a piano.
Let’s sing to the tune of “O Come All Ye Faithful”…
O come meet the family, bad breeding triumphant;
O come meet the family dysfunctional.
Come and behold them. As they brag and fight and whine.
For it’s a celebration, of Christmas aggravation.
And if you’re no relation, just thank the Lord.
Ok, now I have to admit that I didn’t write this. I WISH I could take credit for it, because it makes a dysfunctional family sound a lot lighter. And it made me smile. How about you?
Will you still be smiling on Christmas Day when you are spending time with your family? I hope you are. But if you aren’t, here is something to consider.
It’s only one day. Make the best of it. If memories of family holidays past are less than desirable, switch the channel.
That’s right. Choose a new program. Take a new perspective.
You can’t change these people, but you can change how you look at them.
If your mean aunt is lecturing you again about how you chose the wrong career, you might be annoyed and want to tell her what to do with her advice. Or, you might ask yourself, “What’s another way I could look at this?”
You could choose to see her in a more positive light; “She really cares about me and only means well.”
Or use this strategy. Accentuate her rottenness; “She doesn’t have a life poor thing and that is why she has so much energy to spend on criticizing other people.” You might end up feeling something different for that aunt of yours.
And if you do react badly you can still switch your channel. Don’t feel badly about how you may have acted. Tell yourself that you will do better next time and don’t hold on to the feelings. Don’t beat yourself up. Your aunt can do that better right? Ask yourself what you have learned.
Usually when someone is criticizing you, if you feel a reaction there is some learning there for you. If there is no learning, then it will fly right past you.
If this does change things for you, then you will be stronger than the day before. Stronger for the next time.
And if none of this works at least you will have kept yourself busy and before you know, it will be time to go home.
This quote from Joubert Joseph is what inspired this post.
“He who has not the weakness of friendship has not the strength.”
I wish all of you the best Christmas that you can SEE for yourself. And take the best of that into the new year.

m
m
Introduction and revised lyrics to O Come All Ye Faithful was taken from The Dysfunctional Family Christmas Songbook, written by John Boswell and Leonore Skenazy.
Photo credits: Kittenagogo’s photostream from Flickr.com
So, oh come all ye faithful and share your comments. Maybe myself or my readers can help you shed some light on a rotten relative!
If this is your first time visiting Loving Pulse and you enjoyed the reading, don’t forget to subscribe to the feed so you don’t miss upcoming posts. Click on Subscribe to Feed on the home page and follow the prompts.


28 comments
Comments feed for this article
December 17, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Dot
That made me laugh! I’ve chosen to divorce my family (unofficially), so I won’t need to put up with my mother displaying only photos of my brother and not her two daughters, or my sister hallucinating, or my brother trying to control everything or my two dads being absent.
Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year to you too!
December 17, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Marelisa
Hi Davina: I take it you have a lot of family you’d rather not see for Christmas
I’m going to tell you my secret: if I know that someone I can’t stand is going to be at a Christmas party, I don’t attend. It’s that simple. Life’s too short and Christmas is too beautiful to waste it on life sucking people. I’m in the process of putting up my Christmas tree today, I have my apple/cinnamon candle lit, I have cherries (that’s Christmassy for me), I have my Christmas CD’s and DVD’s ready, and I know I’m going to spend at least some time with my sister, her two little boys, and my brother, who are the the most important people in the world to me. That’s all I need.
December 17, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Julie
My breath caught: “THIS isn’t DAVINA!” Then you admitted you hadn’t written it, thank goodness!
I must admit, it didn’t make me smile, Davina, because it’s too close to what my Thanksgiving was. I’m sorry to say that even though I KNOW (and readily practice, in many ways, all the time exactly what you say) there are just some times we’re not on our toes as we ought to be. I certainly wasn’t, but in my defense, that holiday visit was a week long and I was the hostess so I couldn’t just bail like Marelisa suggests.
What you say is SO valuable, though, and whenever I fail to practice it—for whatever reason—I learn more, gain more, have more tools available for next time. “It’s all good,” as someone I know says.
Our responses in these situations are usually knee-jerk reactions instead of thoughtful. When we try to go a little deeper, see a little differently, come at it from a slightly different angle, when we lessen our grip on protecting our ego, then we do, indeed, find a grain of truth or compassion or understanding that completely shifts our emotional upheaval right back into a more peaceful place.
Your reminder that WE are a fully responsible aspect of every situation in which we find ourselves is perfectly timed. Thank you!
Davina, have a BEAUTIFUL holiday.
December 17, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Patricia
I just have a wonderful Christmas where ever I am…I just make up my mind to do this for myself.
I also give myself a gift that is something that feels magical…this year I got off my blood pressure medications and have made it 4 weeks in normal range
If there is someone at a meeting that is attempting to make my life miserable and I have said something care and gentle to prompt them to desist and let go – if they do not, I ask them to leave or I leave and tell them why I am leaving something like “Life is too short to hang around with you and your behavior”
I will say that I have experienced a great deal of rather junior high behaviors in the last year….then I think this person is stuck in their development. But life is too short…
Are you getting all this snow? We are having about 12″ so far today and cold cold…not usual for here?
December 17, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Liara Covert
The image is cute. People sometimes forget that dysfunction begins as a belief that evolves into a mindset. Each person has options to seize opportunities to be more honest, uplifting and humorous with the self.
December 17, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Robin
“A time when grudges grow and gasses pass.” – LOL Davina! I’ve got much better at negotiating the Christmas stresses (i.e. family) – it’s easier now I am with Frank, because I have my own buddy. We just try to focus on OUR lives, and what we love about it (no-one else will!)
Have a good one, Davina – R
December 18, 2008 at 12:55 am
Stacey / Create a Balance
This is a very funny post. The hardest part of this season, based on your post, are the carbs and chocolate everywhere I look! Enjoy the moments that are filled with pleasure.
December 18, 2008 at 1:17 am
Betsy
LOL Davina, this was just what I needed after my very scrooge-like today! Sometimes it seems to Pete and me that certain family members, and even some hangers-on who persist even though we’ve literally divorced them, want to put more “fun” in dysfunction than a body can abide.
One thing I’ve taken from my friends in the southern U.S. and made my own is “bless their heart.” As in, “She must still be sorry about how the way things have turned out for her, bless her heart!” or “He just can’t help saying hurtful things because it makes him feel so much better about himself, bless his heart!” So…you get permission to say what you want to say, but it softens it up a bit!
You’re right about only being able to control the reaction we have. It doesn’t make it easier when you’re tired of being the only one acting like a grown-up in the equation. Sometimes it’s tempting to just say, “You know, for a great deal of time, I’ve made allowances for remarks like the one you’ve just made because I’ve felt it was the right thing to do. I’m not willing to do that any more, so I’d appreciate it if we could talk about something else, or just not talk at all.” But so far, I’ve just poured myself another drink or stuffed another canape in my mouth instead of theirs.
December 18, 2008 at 2:57 am
Leanne Magraith | Forever Change
LOL. I had to check where I was when I started reading this post. I was surprised and then amused – in that order.
This time of the year can bring out all sorts of emotions. I like your idea about switching the channel after all it is the season of “goodwill”.
December 18, 2008 at 4:55 am
Carla
So funny and true. Its going to be just the two of us this Christmas since going to the northeast isn’t a good idea now due to the weather. We will just stick to the west coast and its cold enough out here! Unfortunately (or fortunately) we wont miss going back!
December 18, 2008 at 5:50 am
veredd
I think most families are dysfunctional on some level. I guess it’s almost “normal.”
December 18, 2008 at 5:30 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Dot.
Sounds like you could really resonate with that revised tune of Oh Come All Ye Faithful. I hope you enjoy your Christmas whatever you do.
Hi Marelisa.
, on all counts. I like the sound of your apple/cinnamon candle, sounds homey.
You are correct
Hi Julie.
Thank you. I’m sorry to hear about your Thanksgiving. I can empathize with you, especially having to deal with it in your own home and for an extended period. “When we lessen our grip on protecting our ego…” Yes! You’ve reminded me of that phrase, “Do you want to be right or happy?”
What makes this difficult is when others may not be as conscious about these things as you are. A person can’t carry all the responsibility on their shoulders when things don’t go the way they would like. And standing up for yourself is not bad at all because those people need to hear where you stand; that part helps respect boundaries. The outcome may not be what you want, but you’ve still got you
Hi Patricia.
Congrats on your positive health report. That’s something to be thankful for. You give people fair warning and then if they don’t shape up, they’ve gotta ship out. You’ve got everything under control. No messing around… as you say, life is too short. Yes, we have a lot of snow here. It will be nice to have a white Christmas this year… unless it starts to rain again.
Hi Liara.
Humour will go a long way, I agree. What I’ve seen happen in my family is that trouble starts with finger pointing and then it’s like everyone starts to throw their “stuff” at each other. It’s a waste of time and energy.
Hi Robin.
I like the sound of that. Have a terrific Christmas Robin!
Hi Stacey.
Those yummy pleasures are hard to resist. I say go for it and have a great Christmas!
Hi Betsy.
and they need to hear these things. The key is in the delivery right? And I’m no expert by all means (that’s why this post made me smile). It’s a learning process.
You could have that extra drink, the canape and still say what you’ve thought about saying. You have your head on straight
Hi Leanne.
Glad you enjoyed it. That was the whole idea… to crack a smile. Sometimes you’ve just gotta go with the flow.
Hi Carla
Welcome! I hear you about not missing going back home. Me too. This is home now. Happy holidays to you.
Hi Vered.
LOL. Absolutely!
December 19, 2008 at 8:56 am
Barbara Swafford
Hi Davina – I’m sitting here listening to Christmas music. I just finished decorating the tree and tomorrow I’ll do some baking. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I don’t let others “get” to me. I rejoice in the true meaning of the holiday, let the scrooges be scrooges, and let the cranks be cranky. Life is too short to let others ruin that which gives me joy. Oddly enough, sometime my Christmas spirit rubs off on others.
BTW: I love the photos you choose for this post and the “tune”. Precious!
December 19, 2008 at 4:30 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Barbara.
That sounds perfect. You’re having that perfect Christmas, filled with chestnuts roasting and sleigh bells ringing right? I haven’t decorated a tree yet, but now you’ve put me in the mood. See it IS rubbing off….
December 19, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Cath Lawson
LMAO Davina – When I first started reading this – I too thought I’d clicked the wrong blog in my reader. But I’m glad you didn’t write how wonderful Christmas is and that we should try our best to be nice to our wicked relatives.
It is good advice – I guess most of us have at least one of those types of relatives. My brother’s wife asked me why I didn’t just get a job a couple of weeks ago. I really had to bite my tongue.
I’ve not worked for anyone else for years and as you know, I’m out of the habit of getting a regular wages, so I’m quite happy to scrimp until I’ve built the next business anyway. My life doesn’t seem any different whether I’m earning more, or less.
I don’t understand why folk like that stick their noses in where they’re not wanted. As you say – we should feel sorry for them, because often they don’t have anything better to think about. And you’ve got to let it go over your head, unless there is something you can learn from it.
December 19, 2008 at 10:09 pm
NaTuRal
horny dogs and cross dressing dad, that’s a hoot! fortunately i will still be smiling come december 25. i’m fortunate enough to be with my dysfunctional all the time, most of them anyway, and not just around the holidays.
December 20, 2008 at 1:45 am
davinahaisell
Hi Cath.
I LMAO too — had to share it. Those folk feel better when they’re criticizing others I think. Plus, they’re cheating themselves by wasting their time and energy worrying about and trying to fix other people — not that YOU need to be fixed
Hi NaTuRal.
You’re a seasoned professional. Glad to hear you will be smiling on the 25th. Is that smiling, or smurking? *smile*.
December 20, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work
Guess I’m blessed. I learned about six years ago to accept the bums, scars and all. Since then I just chuckle at it all. Peace be with you, one and all.
December 21, 2008 at 5:01 am
davinahaisell
Hi there Tom.
Ah, the lighter side of life. Sure takes a weight off those shoulders huh?
December 21, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Lance
Very funny Davina! Is any family fully functional?? I think we all have a little dysfunction! I’m going to embrace that dysfunction this year!
Have a wonderful holiday season!
December 21, 2008 at 7:18 pm
davinahaisell
Hey Lance.
Your statement bears repeating on a line all on it’s own…
I think dysfunction is part of being human
“I’m going to embrace that dysfunction this year.”
That’s an excellent perspective to take.” Absolutely brilliant Lance — loved this comment. This has to go down as one of the top 10 comments I’ve received since I started blogging. Thanks!
You have a great holiday too.
December 24, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Ed Kohler
We’re about to make the turn. The days are already getting longer.
If functional is the bar to reach, we all fail.
December 25, 2008 at 2:04 am
New Blog: Loving Pulse Turns Shades Of Crimson « Loving Pulse
[...] as Lance from The Jungle of Life commented on my last post: “I think we all have a little dysfunction! I’m going to embrace that dysfunction this [...]
December 25, 2008 at 2:06 am
davinahaisell
Hi there Ed.
Welcome, and thanks for your comment! Thanks for the reminder about the days getting longer. Spring is not too far away now.
I hope you are enjoying your holiday season.
December 27, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Laurie
That is the ugliest cat I have ever seen! LOL How boring we’d all be without the dysfunction in our lives! My Christmas this year was really great. I didn’t worry about all the fluff and just let it happen. It was great. I have often said my family is full of fruits and nuts but we are loving and fun fruits and nuts! If we were all perfect, why would we need to get up in the morning?
December 27, 2008 at 5:17 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Laurie.
LOL – they’re not as cute as kitties usually are, but they have good character. I like fruits and nuts — you’ve got a yummy family
“If we were all perfect, why would we need to get up in the morning?” How about to strut our stuff and show those dysfunctional parts how it’s done? Perfection is a terrible thing to waste
December 30, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Sara B. Healy
Davina,
I really appreciated this post!! As everyone else commented, dysfunction is a part of the life for most people, including me. And we all have people who are “difficult.”
On the other hand, dysfunction has a function.
Personally, I think the dysfunction in my early family helped make me stronger and more sensitive to the struggles of other people. I like to think it’s like creating a diamond. It’s takes a mighty hot fire to make one.
So, I’ll join the others and embrace the dysfunction in my family this holiday.
Sara
December 30, 2008 at 11:49 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Sara.
Thanks. That’s a great analogy about the diamond. Perfect!