I thought this was a nice t-shirt when I bought it.
I believe in living as a free spirit so this was the perfect T.
A free spirit has been defined as a person who lives by their wishes and beliefs and who is unconstrained by society’s rules.
My definition of a free spirit is someone who is powerful, happy and free. Someone who embodies the spiritual, who is full of love and all that colourful loveliness of being alive. Oh, la-di-da!
Pollyanna step aside.
I’ve been kidding myself. I have only dreamed about being a free spirit.
I aspire to live unconstrained by society’s conventions because I want to hide in my safe little box. I’m afraid (no, I BELIEVE) I’m not good enough to belong anywhere!
This is a pattern I’ve lived with for most of my life, and I’ve kept my spirit contained because of it. Sad!
In grade seven I was ostracized by a group of girls. We would stand in a circle at recess and talk. Well, most of us talked. I just listened. I was very shy, afraid to talk and afraid to be seen.
One day, one of the girls approached me and told me they didn’t want me hanging around with them anymore. I was devastated and spent the next five years in school looking for some sign that anyone might like me, that I belonged and that someone wanted to be my friend. I wanted an invitation.
I suffered in silence. The only person I spoke to about this was my mother, and that was only because she saw me running from the school bus one afternoon in tears. I ran straight to my room and she followed.
“Nobody likes me,” I sobbed in answer to her concerned inquiry. I can’t remember what her response was. I just remember sobbing uncontrollably and she eventually left without a word.
I went to therapy to heal this wound but the pain never went away. Why? I kept making those girls responsible for my pain. A part of me still wanted to believe they were insensitive cruel bitches (that felt good!), but I know now as an adult that kids will be kids.
The reality was that I was already in pain before being ostracized. I believed then that I didn’t belong and I didn’t have anything to offer. That was why I stood in silence in that circle during recess. In a sense I was using them to keep up an appearance. Why shouldn’t they kick me out? I was their weakest link.
What happened was only a reflection of my belief system. Thinking back, I didn’t dispute this with those girls. I accepted that there was something wrong with me and continued to live my life in a box, afraid to be seen.
So how can I free my spirit?
Somehow I don’t think that ripping this t-shirt off while walking along a busy downtown sidewalk is the answer.
I’m still learning that living as a free spirit doesn’t require an invitation from anyone but myself. It needs to be exercised and that will not happen while living in a box. And, there is no la-di-da here either.
These are 10 actions I believe will exercise the spirit into remembering the freedom that is its birthright.
- Take the self and everyone else less seriously.
- Make rules and then break them.
- Make lots of mistakes; laugh at and learn from them.
- Stop trying to have everyone else conform to my rules.
- Give other people permission to be themselves and make their own mistakes.
- Respond, don’t react.
- Let creativity speak and listen to it; practice what inspires you because that strengthens the spirit.
- Get out of the head and follow the heart more; practice to learn the difference.
- Envision myself as already living as a free spirit.
- Take my place in the circle; recognize that I have gifts to share and just share them!
I will leave you with this quote that a friend shared with me just today. “Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.”
As for that box I mentioned, are you in or out? How has this affected your life?
Please share your comments below and if you enjoyed this article don’t forget to subscribe to my feed. My next post is entitled “Creative Luny Landing in the Sand”.
Photo Credit: Davina Haisell
64 comments
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September 26, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Tom Volkar / Delightful Work
Hi Davina,
Thanks so much for pouring your heart out on the page. It’s obvious that your healing is already in midstream and your candidness will inspire others to let out their inner rebels. Your tips are good ones especially not taking anyone seriously and breaking rules.
You asked about me and my box; I’m almost always all the way out now, but it took years. In high school I pretty much flew under the radar as well. Then upon arriving on my college campus, I realized that no one knew who I was (including me), so I could craft the identity that I wanted. So I did. It partially worked, heck this was 1968, so almost all of us were trying to be free spirits. It was much latter into adulthood when I realized that I’d created a mask of sorts. So the final unveiling began on this trail back to my authentic self. I’m sure I’ll see you on that trail some day.
September 26, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Mike Goad
I can identify with your story. I generally had only one or two friends as a kid and prided (deluded) myself on being a loner.
Even today, I truly don’t have many friends, but it’s more by choice that thinking that no-one likes me. I know better — now.
September 26, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Cath Lawson
Hi Davina – kids can be little shits can’t they? They probably feel guilty now. I used to be a lot like you – I always used to think everyone was better than me.
But you can change things. And with with each small step you feel more confident. And the more confident you feel – the more free you become.
September 26, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Kathy @ Virtual Impax
Your rules ROCK!
I especially love the two intertwining rules of “Stop trying to have everyone else conform to my rules.” and “Give other people permission to be themselves and make their own mistakes.”
I’m putting those on post it notes for my computer monitor!
September 26, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Mark Salinas
Thank you for sharing! I like your site!
September 26, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Dot
That’s a really touching story. I went through something similar, and my mother tried to pay me to hang out with those girls and make friends. As if I could have.
Have you considered where your belief system came from? As in … parents? That’s where I learned mine.
I don’t want to be a free spirit as you defined it, so I’m not sure how to answer. I think we’re all somewhat constrained by society’s conventions (which is often a good thing) and somewhat not. I don’t aim to get outside them, just to be me, wherever that puts me.
September 26, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Ari
Hi Davina,
Thanks for sharing your personal story. I feel your pain.
I’m sure you know by now that most of us have emotional scars like that. Including those kids who hurt you.
I myself struggled to get out of the box for years. The more I grow, the more I realize how I’ve been restraining myself. And the more I unleash, the more I realize how big, wide and strong my wings are, when I actually spread them all the way out! I’ve gotten quite a bit of myself out of the box, but it’s hard to tell sometimes — I keep discovering more pieces that I had hidden in the box, deeper than I thought possible. But it’s been very empowering experience.
I hope, and I do believe, that you’ll get to experience it, too.
ari
September 26, 2008 at 6:50 pm
Ari Koinuma
Oops, just noticed that my link above is pointing to a very old, obsolete blog I have on WordPress.com — so here I am, linking correctly, to my current blog.
ari
September 26, 2008 at 6:51 pm
veredd
Well, I think these girls WERE heartless and cruel.
I am generally out of the box. I love myself. Although I consider myself as an introvert, I always had friends.
But I was NEVER cruel to anyone who was “weak” and never will.
I think the “strong” should use their strength to protect the “weak.”
September 26, 2008 at 8:02 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Tom. Congratulations! The air’s a lot fresher outside the box! Inhale deeply 🙂
I think that was great you crafted a new identity, and interesting that it became a mask of some sorts. We humans always seem to look for something to hold on to or lean on don’t we?
Like you, I came more out of the box in college. Those were some good times.
Hi Mike. Thank you for sharing. Yes, it sure is a choice. I read something somewhere about introverts and how it is not a weakness, it is a preference and a need. Some people just need more quiet time to nurture themselves, while others need personal contact.
Hi Cath. Kids CAN be little shits! Yes, it feels good to swear. That is true, each small step forward feeds that confidence.
Hi Kathy. Welcome to Loving Pulse and thank you for your enthusiastic comment. I’m glad you like MY rules 🙂 .
Hi Mark. Welcome to you too and thanks!
Hi Dot. Thank you for visiting Loving Pulse and for sharing your story. Your mother tried to pay you to hang out with those girls? Is this a metaphor? How did she try to influence you?
I don’t know where my belief system came from. If you believe in reincarnation, (I do) it must surely have been a pattern that I was born with. It was noticeable at such a young age, (there was an incident at 5 years of age too), how could I have been influenced THAT much already by my life?
Hi Ari. Nice to see you again. Thanks for the visit and for the sharing. Your reflections reminds me of those Matrioshka Dolls. You find more of yourself the farther you move out of the box.
Hi Vered. Thank you for saying that! I guess it takes two to tango, but this was really a solo wasn’t it? Your statement, “I think the “strong” should use their strength to protect the “weak”, really landed.
As I mentioned to Mike I’ve since learned that introverts have a tendency to be seen as weak by the majority of the population. But that is not correct. Only about 25% of the population are introverts and so there are just fewer numbers of us. And, it has nothing to do with strength of character or intelligence. It is a preference and necessary to express who we are in our own way.
September 26, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Barbara Swafford
Hi Davina – Like Vered said, those girls were heartless and cruel, but worse than that, what they did, affected you for a long time by adding to an already “open wound”.
Although my childhood was pretty uneventful as far as how I was treated ( I don’t remember being treated cruelly) , I do remember times in my early adult years when I felt “less than”. Through the years, and with the wisdom of age, I’ve come out of the box. I also have friendships that span decades.
Your quote reminds me of one thing we have to remember. If we “wait” for an invitation it may never come. Sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone and be the one who initiates “it”.
September 26, 2008 at 8:14 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Barbara. I sense you have a lot of wisdom. It shows through in your sharing and gentle approach. Can’t quite put my finger on it, but it is very there 🙂
I think I have still more work to do around this you know? It helped to a certain extent to take some responsibility for what happened, but there really is still a part of me that is angry with those girls. Obviously I can’t address them now 30 years later, but I’ll find a way to “clear this”.
September 26, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Barbara Swafford
Hi Davina – Your answer reminded me of what I’ve read many times. I probably won’t get it worded exact, but it goes something like this. When we hold onto old hurts, we’re giving them “power” over us. So, in a sense, those girls still have power over you.
This issue is also addressed in the book “A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” by Eckhart Tolle, which is a great read.
“Knowing” this event still bothers has you half way “there”, working through it, will complete the process. If this had happened to me, the first thing I would do is forgive those girls for their disrespectfulness, so that I could move forward.
I’m also thinking (and hoping), if any of these girls (who are now grown women) remember the incident, met you today, they would apologize for having being so mean.
I pray you find resolution so you can spread your wings and “fly”.
September 26, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Melissa Donovan
I know that kids will be kids, but I still think the mean girls on the playground are “insensitive cruel bitches.” Being young is not a license for being mean, in my opinion. I love your list of traits for a free spirit! I also think someone with a free spirit sort of embraces herself and doesn’t conform for the sake of conforming. It requires some self-love, which is always a good thing 😉
September 26, 2008 at 11:18 pm
Simon
I think that most kids have to try out being nasty to other people to see how it feels and know if they like it or not. Most of them realize they don’t and then stop, but unfortunately some of them never reach that stage. They’re still doing it when they’re adults.
So yes, those kids were just doing what kids do, but it was only natural for you to feel upset. Being introverted, you had to keep a lot of it bottled in, which is why you still feel it today. As you say, it will help to ‘clear it’.
I’ve talked a lot about clearing emotions on my blog but in a nutshell it helps to allow yourself to *feel* the emotion without getting into a dialog in your head about it. If you turn things over and over in your head, it only stokes it up more: “Those girls! How dare they?” There’s no point to that. They did what they did. You just need to really feel the pain and so release it.
There am I talking as if I am all sorted out myself, which is very far from the truth unfortunately! I think your ten actions are brilliant. Go for it! If you put them into practice, you’ll be doing much better than I am. Perhaps we could just add one more to the list for us both though: ‘stop caring what other people think of us!’
September 26, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Lance
Kids can be cruel can’t they. Adults can too, sadly. As a kid (teenager) this can be tough to deal with. It’s completely understandable that these were tough years for you. And it makes me wonder, as I walk down the street, or go to school to pick up my kids, which of these kids are suffering in silence. Struggling to get through…
Davina, you are a free spirit! I think so, anyway, just from reading here. And, as for your ten actions – those are great ways to let the spirit be even more free. And in freeing our spirit, I think we breathe life into our bodies in new and exciting ways. We become alive to what we really desire. And that’s pretty cool if you ask me!
September 27, 2008 at 6:08 am
davinahaisell
Hi again Barbara. Thanks for taking the time for this comment. It is appreciated. Forgiveness! I’m surprised that I haven’t been able to forgive these girls and had not really entertained the idea. I thought I was better than that. And yes, I suppose I am holding on to something, although I can’t for the life of me figure out why I would hold onto pain.
I recently bought this book of Eckhart’s but barely got through the first chapter. Sounds like it’s worth picking it up again.
Hi Melissa. That’s a brilliant definition of a free spirit! Embracing yourself. Thanks.
Hi Simon. I totally agree, “Stop caring what other people think of us!” I know what you mean about talking as if you are all sorted out. Taking our own advice isn’t as easy as giving it is it?
Hi Lance. It’s hard to think about all these kids who could be, and are suffering in silence. And I know you are right; they are out there. Keeping it silent is probably part of the problem (I can attest to that). It festers and becomes so familiar that it’s harder to let go of.
I like how you put it that by freeing our spirits we become alive to what we really desire.
September 27, 2008 at 8:56 am
Maya
Hi Davina,
Your post has sent me down memory lane. I have been walking around all day (I read your post this morning) wondering why I responded to nearly the same experience very differently …
Two things helped – I have a very low need for “inclusion”. I am more content being a loner than trying to fit in. And yes, one of the girls apologized to me …years later … when I had forgotten most of what had happened ( I really think those girls in your case will be sorry too).
As an adult, things have been a little harder. Over the years, I have peeled myself in layers …like an onion …and now I consider myself mostly out of the box. Like Ari says, it has been a very empowering experience. The reality, however is that there are still times when I will run back into the box, for cover. These are times when I am hurt and/or have felt lonely. When I have a hard time believing that even adults are capable of behaving in certain cruel ways. But trying to be a free spirit at other times really helps me extract myself out of the box at such times…
I am sorry, I am writing so much, but I have to say what I would do in a situation such as yours … ( I think in steps, so I will list them as such …)
1. First of all, take time and release my initial response …be it anger, sadness, frustration etc. (as in deal with the emotions)
2. Take a break – I will try my best to distance myself from the situation – physically and mentally, so that I can stop my “grieving” and get ready for the “dealing”. ( Distance yourself from the emotions so you can respond vs react)
3. Apply logic and explain the behaviors – why did someone behave the way he/she did? And why did I behave the way I did? It is really important that I answer these questions as a free spirit. (this is where I love your free spirit actions) Without anger or malice. Against myself or the other person. (Let people make their mistakes and you follow your heart).
4. Find closure. Depending on what the situation was, closure for me consists of – talking to the other person about the lessons learned from this experience, forgiving myself, forgiving the other person, or even celebrating what I learned about myself in step 3. (share your gifts, learn from your mistakes)
Even after all this, getting out of the box takes more time, but I am on my way by the time I am at step 4. In your case, I strongly believe that the girls had no idea what they were doing. There was one bad seed and everyone else just mirrored her. They had no intention of hurting you. But you were hurt as anyone in this situation would have been. And you responded in a way that an emotionally mature child would do … you tried to deal with your emotions and not project them back on those girls in destructive ways. I think you should be proud of what you did … in some ways, your response was that of a free spirited soul …. And years later, as a result of this experience, you have a lot more to offer to the world than those girls ….So Thank you!
“When you learn from something, it ceases to be a mistake” …. I truly believe in that …. so when I make a mistake, I try my best to learn from it 🙂 …and then move on, spread my wings and fly !
Thank you for leading me down this journey!
September 27, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Dave Fowler
Hi Davina, I love your list. At various points in life I experienced some of what you speak of, but I can’t claim I ever felt totally isolated.
I’m not sure about children being heartless (as mentioned in the comments). I don’t think they’re really aware of the consequences of their actions. I think they just act out the model of the world they keep in their mind – and this is copied form what they see and hear, whether that’s friends, adults or TV.
Seriously though, I love the list and I’d do well to use your wisdom to my own benefit.
Thanks
Dave
September 27, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Caroline
Amazing that I came across your blog today. I am going through some big changes and I am freeing my spirit. It’s wonderful…scary…exciting…mind blowing. Your post is a wonderful reminder to keep moving forward on my path. Thank you! Stop by and read my lasted post…it’s all about change…
September 27, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Marelisa
Hi Davina: I’m sorry that you had to go through that, but it’s often the people who are ostracized by the majority who go on to do something especial. I like your rule of living less in your head. That’s something I need to work on; I’ve always had a lot of “intellectual” success so I tend to rest on that more than I should.
September 27, 2008 at 7:26 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Maya. Thank you for sharing. We can all learn from each other and so I appreciate your tips. While reading your notes it occured to me that this is no different than exercise regarding going in and out of the box.
I’ve been reading some of Anthony Robbins’s work and he talks about neural pathways in the brain and their relation to emotional response. He goes into depth about making positive changes for ourselves in this area. The more we practice our emotional intelligence the stronger that nature becomes.
So, it sounds like you are very fit! 🙂
Hi Dave. I understand what you are saying; it makes a lot of sense. And, there’s a but here…. I think it depends on the age of the children and the situation. In this case I believe a 12-yr-old would/should understand the “need” to fit in and be included, and would be able to sense what the result of their actions might be.
A Barbara mentioned earlier, forgiveness is a good way to deal with this. As much as I’m resisting, I think THAT is where I need to go simply because I AM fighting it. I’m opening the door first on forgiving myself for believing them in the first place and then forgiving them is the next step.
Hi Caroline. Welcome to Loving Pulse. It sounds like you are on an exciting journey! 🙂 I will come by and read all about it. Thanks.
September 27, 2008 at 7:32 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Marelisa. Thanks. It is easy to rest on what is comfortable isn’t it? But I don’t think I agree with you saying you have to get more into your heart. I see a lot of heart in your blog. 🙂
September 27, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Julie
Hi, Davina: I, too, read you for the first time today…and was transported to my own hometown of 800, with the same nasty schoolyard kids. Ah, memories.
But I think you’re past all that. This line of yours says so much: “I believed then that I didn’t belong and I didn’t have anything to offer.”
Believed” is past tense, so whether you realize it or not, in your heart you are so over them. Maybe your mind just needs to catch up. Forgiveness goes a long way toward this. Maybe they were exactly what was needed to help you become you who are today, and if you can believe that, then you can thank them (on some level), and that’s when you’ll find you can just let them go flying gracefully into the ether… and you’ll be free of them. And then you won’t need a box! 🙂 At least, not most days.
And because I still hide away in my own box from time to time (more than I like; okay, often) I’m going to use your list, because I really, REALLY like your phrasing.
September 28, 2008 at 4:05 am
davinahaisell
Hi Julie, and thanks so much for your comment! I’m happy to help 🙂 and perhaps, so are those girls???
September 28, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Kelly@SHE-POWER
First time reader here, Davina. I’ve seen your name around a bit so I thought it was time I stopped by. I really resonate with this article as I SEEM like I am very out of the box and free spirited, but in many ways I am still struggling to keep the box open long enough to leap out. And for most of my life I was very much in the box. I had a big facade about being an extroverted risk taker, but really I was just as scared and prone to please and cower against criticism as anyone else.
I moved schools a lot when I was a kid, countries too. I chalked p somewhere between 12-15 school changes, most in primary school, and so I am VERY familiar with how revolting little girls can be. I think this is where my chameleon persona took root really. I had no stability in my life so I just learned that life was easier if I became whatever people wanted me to be. It’s taken a logn time to unlearn that.
As for your 10 actions, I think it’s a great list and I swear by these ones:
* Take the self and everyone else less seriously.
* Stop trying to have everyone else conform to my rules.
* Give other people permission to be themselves and make their own mistakes.
* Let creativity speak and listen to it; practice what inspires you because that strengthens the spirit.
* Get out of the head and follow the heart more; practice to learn the difference.
* Take my place in the circle; recognize that I have gifts to share and just share them!
Glad to have found you.
Kelly@SHE-POWER
September 28, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Karl Staib - Work Happy Now
Awesome quote. We need to realize and feel other people’s perspectives. They have just as much baggage and crap going on that we do need to by more compassionate.
Sometimes I’m in the box, hating life then other times with a little work I’m out and free as an Elk. It takes effort to free ourselves of these self imposed shackles, but once we do we can fly.
September 28, 2008 at 11:52 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Kelly. I’ve seen you around these parts too. Welcome! I’m making my rounds and will see you soon. Thanks for sharing your story.
You know, I think it is ok to retreat back into the box once in a while. I have a smurk on my face now… when used that way, think of the box as the phone booth where Superman went to transform into his giant superhuman self 🙂
Hi Karl. Welcome to you too. It does take effort to jump free of those shackles. Especially if we attach too much meaning to them. They become familiar and “comfortable.”
September 29, 2008 at 2:51 am
Valerie
i had a similar set up in school, only i was kicked out “the club” (was i in a gang?)….any girl who didn’t conform or who acted too this or that was shunned…nobody would talk to whoever was kicked out until they were found crying in the school yard. kids are cruel.
i’m a free spirit, but i do care what SOME people think, like my family. otherwise, i live in my own world in seems like.
September 29, 2008 at 7:27 am
davinahaisell
Hi there Valerie. So just by crying you would be “allowed” back in? Not that you’d want to be??? Sounds like you survived that “episode” and grew up to know what is best for you, you free spirit you 🙂
September 29, 2008 at 10:17 am
MizFit
wow.
somedays (most day?) Im ‘afraid’ having a daughter…I just pray she can be unapologetically herself and make it through……….thank you for sharingbaring all of this.
September 29, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Evelyn Lim
What a touching post! How sad too! It goes to show the unnecessary mental torture that we put ourselves through. Much of our pain is imagined rather than real. However, we continue to inflict pain on ourselves even though it is no longer happening right this moment.
Thanks for sharing this story!
September 29, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Suzie
I think your first rule about not taking yourself or anyone to seriously is paramount not only to being a free spirit but having a happy life.
By the way Thank so much for your kind thoughts during little B’s illness it was much appreciated.He’s at school today and doing great.
September 29, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Urban Panther
FANTASTIC!!!! You go, girl. I never fit in as a child. Children are quite cruel to anyone who doesn’t fit their image of how to behave, and I always walked to the beat of my own drum. Only, my drum was also silenced because of very hurtful comments made during my early and teen years. Slowly, over the course of my adulthood, I realized what you have realized. Excellent list by the way. And eventually I found people who really like me for me. And I’m having a blast. From one free spirit to another, a big virtual hug of encouragement and support!!!!
September 29, 2008 at 10:28 pm
davinahaisell
Hi MizFit. I believe if your daughter has you alongside her she will be guided in the right direction. I don’t have any children but I understand how important parental support is.
Hi Evelyn. Unnecessary mental torture… ain’t it the truth! Thanks.
Hi Suzie. Welcome and thank you for taking the time to stop by here. I am very happy to hear that little B is healthy and back into his groove. Terrific news.
Hi Urban Panther. Thank you 🙂 Right back atcha!
September 29, 2008 at 11:03 pm
spaceagesage
I know how cruel words slice and dice at the heart, too. I thought by becoming a tomboy, never fitting the norm, and speaking my mind bluntly that I could be happy walking a different path than those who looked with rolling eyes and down snooty noses. I was wrong. I still ended up giving them power by trying so hard to not be them. I found out later that there is conforming and trying hard not to conform, but that neither helps create a truly free spirit.
I’ve found the wings that free the soul and mind, but I’ve yet to take flight fully. With a post like this one, your wings seem to fit you quite well!
Lori
September 29, 2008 at 11:31 pm
Chase March
I can’t live in a box. I think outside of the box and I do things other teachers would be afraid to try.
I don’t think we should fear what others might think if we try something new. We shouldn’t be afraid to stretch ourselves and step out of any perceived box or image that people may put us in.
We should strive to be free spirits, in your sense of the word. Nice post!
September 30, 2008 at 12:17 am
Leanne Magraith | Forever Change
I can understand the pain you express in sharing this Davina. I was teased by a group of about 6 “cool boys” in high school. The teasing was about my looks and whilst the word ugly wasn’t used lots of other nasty things were said and done. The teasing hurt a lot at the time especially as it was relentless for about 2 years. It took me quite a few years to get over this.
I bumped into 2 of the “perpetrators” in a night club when I was single and in my early 30s. I knew I had well and truly moved on as I was happy to see them and have a chat with them about our time at school in general. Funnily enough they said I looked fantastic and really meant it and well lets just say time and age had not been so kind to them.
I suppose I wrote this little story mainly to encourage you Davina, that you can get over the hurt and get out of the box and be the free spirit you want to be. Forgiveness of others and of myself was the key for me.
I have felt like I have been a late bloomer all my life and I used to see this as a drawback and now I see it as an asset. Perhaps your free spirit is a late bloomer too. I think the best is yet to come for you Davina.
September 30, 2008 at 12:39 am
Robin
Hi Davina
Well your experience at school just about sums up mine.
I know I got into alternative healing stuff when I was 33 because I was fed up with the emotional pain I was in. (Which is maybe why I had the emotional pain.)
September 30, 2008 at 2:42 am
Patricia
Davina,
Lovely writing today and I think it is so good to tell the story of our hurts and changes because then others can identify with the story and feel freer in their lives.
Maybe it is the west coast weather but I wrote a personal release piece and posted it today.
One thing that helped me get through all those edge of the circle moments, was that a very great writer (Ursula Le Quin) wrote many side articles about how to accomplish writing when a mother or when you are squeezing the time out of your schedule, said that by being on the edge of the circle was how she knew she was a writer. She was observing the behaviors and integrating them and she would recognize these as they came out in later characterizations in her books. She had to work through her own feelings but she needed to be an observer of human behaviors to make her characters real and believable. That concept gave me great hope of becoming a “great” writer in my lifetime because I dared to paint with words those integrations/observations.
I am still working through the times of being left out, and I had a 30 something Mother come over to my house to tell me that our children could be friends, but she did not even want to be my acquaintance. It took me a good cry and 10 years + to finally write her as a character in a story and she turned out to be a talking duck!
I found MY STROKE OF INSIGHT by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor easier to read and understand than Ekhard Tolle – though I like his work too…just not as beautiful a writer as Taylor and she is so fluid to understand. A suggestion.
So I just say – you must be going to be a GREAT WRITER…if the circle keeps you on the edge…So I will be watching and looking forward to your integrations and characters in your stories.
Just think of each nip of pain as an inspiration for your writing and a gift.
We all have to work everything through ourselves, so enjoy each opportunity…easier said than done, but well worth the practice.
Look at the circle who wrote such wonderful comments to you today…you inspired us all….thank you
September 30, 2008 at 7:37 am
davinahaisell
Hi SpaceAgeSage. Thank you! Well, it sounds like your countdown has begun. What time is liftoff? 🙂
Hi Chase. Now I’m curious. What things do you do that other teachers would be afraid to try?
Hi Leanne. Thank you for sharing your story, and for your kind words. You turned on a light for me in your sharing about meeting up with these guys later and having a nice chat with them. Thank you!
Hi Robin. If you could go back and do it all again, what would you do differently? I’d have joined the school newspaper, the drama club and perhaps become a cheerleader.
Hi Patricia. Thank you for the inspiration. I am very touched by what you have written and by reading your story. I bet that was satisfying to turn that woman into a talking duck. Although I would myself have chosen a slug! 🙂
October 1, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Harmony
A free spirit. Funny, I have been thinking about this notion.
Are we free because we say so? Or free because we think so? Or is freedom honestly loosing the obsession with the idea of constraint?
Davina, you have done so well with your blog. Look at this 40 something comments. I am now your student. 🙂
October 2, 2008 at 1:04 am
davinahaisell
Hi Harmony. Thanks! I like the last one… “losing the obsession with the idea of constraint”. Regarding the 40-something comments, I have to say a big thank you to Barbara Swafford and NBOTW, and to reader’s genuine curiosity and desire to share.
October 2, 2008 at 10:24 am
MizFit
Hi
youve been so mean to us but we still love you.
in fact we are waiting for you.
right now.
come play!
love,
hempseed, flax greeeeeen poweder
October 2, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Betsy
Hi Davina –
Your story reminded me of an entry in our high school 25th reunion book. (Yes, I’m old). There was a question, what is the funniest thing you remember about high school? The most talented boy, now grown up and a headliner with a large metropolitan opera wrote, “There was nothing funny about high school.”
Our own youngest were so ready to be done with it and move on. I imagine things to be worse now in many ways, but due to some changes, at least there is more awareness of how hurtful bullies — and those girls were bullying you with their ostracism — can be. Your post reveals how strong the bonds we put upon ourselves are and the deep roots from which they spring. Thank you.
October 2, 2008 at 8:49 pm
rarestone
I can only say congratulations to you Davina! You have let it out, most people suffer in silence and speaking out is a great step of releasing our troubled emotions. What’s more you have even woken up to the power within you, this is great! From now on, there is no stopping you girl. You now know where your power comes from and no matter what life throws at you, you will know how to come out stronger! You have uncovered the ‘Secret’ and let’s rejoice.
October 3, 2008 at 12:23 am
davinahaisell
Hi MizFit. I will eventually play with flax, hemp and greenie again. Just not now. It’s chocolate, coffee and…. blogging 🙂
Hi Betsy. Welcome, fellow camper! It is surprising how strong those bonds can be and how differently we can react to them. My mom was bullied by a boy in public school and what did she do? She beat him up! Guess I don’t take after her – ha, ha.
Hi Rarestone. Welcome to you too! Thank you for those kind words of encouragement. I’ve just returned from your blog and the most recent post about $$$$ is an excellent idea!
October 3, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Mitch
Good stuff, but I’m betting that ripping that t-shirt off certainly would have gotten you a lot of attention. 🙂
You would have been the type I’d have been attracted to if we’d gone to school together. I tended to be the type to pull people into my circle who seemed to need it, and I carried that through my college days. Being an only child, one would have thought that I’d have needed that affirmation from others, but I never did, thank goodness. But I had this empathy for other “only’s” and “lonely’s”.
I’m glad you’ve moved beyond that; live life well.
October 3, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Sara at On Simplicity
Davina,
This was amazing! I mean, wow! And while I do think there’s blame to be laid at the feet of adolescents who let a social pecking order dictate their behavior, I’m blown away by your insight here. Part of handling passive-aggressive girl fights is about building each girl up individually, not neccessarily dismantling the social structure.
And I love your free spirit actions; this is a list worth printing and staring at every morning. You’re absolutely correct in that the messages we wear on our bodies are nothing compared to the messages we tell ourselves in our heads and the actions we take.
October 3, 2008 at 8:58 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Mitch. Welcome! Very funny 🙂 Well then, I believe there were some real lucky people who crossed your path in school. You did exactly what Vered mentioned earlier. You used your strength to support the “weak” (perhaps vulnerable would be a better word).
Hi there Sara. I’m blown away by your analogy here about the messages we wear on our bodies and how they don’t necessarily compare to what we tell ourselves in our heads. Wow. If I had thought of that I would have put it in the post. Thanks!
October 4, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Eric
Hi, Davina. First time reader here; I followed your link from Tom Stine’s page. Great article/discussion. Just wanted to share an insight that I think might be apropos.
There was a time when I hated my father, as probably many of us did. I grew out of it, as probably many of us did. He passed away suddenly 4 years ago Oct 1. In cleaning out the barn behind the house my brother found his diary from WWII. I quote; “Things have gone from bad to worse. Today I killed two German officers and a horse with my pistol [close range]. How can my wife ever love a murderer like me?” He didn’t need me to hate him. And it explained a lot of things.
I have come to realize that whomever we love or hate or have any strong emotion towards DOES NOT EXIST! We never know the full story of anyone, including ourselves. Can anyone recite all the trauma that they experienced when they were two years old, or one? We’ve assumed the little history we know of everyone is all we need to form opinions and adopt a stance.
So we actually create the people we interact with in our own minds. That is the only place they exist. This means that we are the only ones responsible for all our suffering. “Judge not lest you be judged” is so clear to me now. I am in the process of shedding biases and opinions. (Especially the ones about me). It is very hard. They have been my identity for so long. It will take me the rest of my life, and maybe beyond.
Perhaps I state what is obvious to most of you, in which case I thank you for your indulgence, but for me, this has been a huge step in my understanding of the illusion we all manifest and what reality is not; perception.
Peace to all.
October 4, 2008 at 6:55 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Eric. Thank you for every word of this. What a powerful moment that must have been to have read your father’s letter. I like how you’ve painted that picture of how we “create the people we interact with in our own minds”. Sounds simple huh? But not so much perhaps?
October 8, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Thanks, It Means The World To Me « Loving Pulse
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October 13, 2008 at 7:05 pm
On Simplicity » Blog Archive » Weekly Links
[…] super-fresh, but it is awesome and a fantastic read. A few weeks later, Loving Pulse’s Free Spirit My Ass is still worth checking […]
October 14, 2008 at 12:46 am
stubbygray
Hi Davina,
Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog.
There was so much in this post that spoke to me. “… I accepted that there was something wrong with me and continued to live my life in a box, afraid to be seen.”
As a classic introvert, I struggle with that even today. Which is why your ten reminders, especially, sum up the attitude and actions I (and other readers too apparently–Yay, I’m not alone at all!) need to take in order to live more fully.
I took a big step “into the circle” this weekend by making my blog public and inviting people into my world. Your post gave me an encouraging push in that direction, and for that I thank you.
October 14, 2008 at 1:01 am
davinahaisell
Hi Stubbygray. You are very welcome. Welcome to my blog. Receiving comments such as yours makes blogging even more worthwhile!
Congratulations on the launch of your new blog. If you have any questions about blogging in general, here are some blogs that I hang out at regularly where you can learn a lot: Bloggingwithoutablog.com, Problogger.net, Cathlawson.com/blog and Virtualimpax.com. Have fun in the circle!
October 18, 2008 at 7:37 am
Liara Covert
I absolutely love the premise behind this post. It prompted me to think about a few t-shirts I glimpses on children recently. One said, “Monster” and another saud, “Why me?” T-shirts speak to the heart and soul much like license plates. Did you ever read a license plate on a passing vehicle and get a chuckle out of it? Human beings love to plaster themselves with lables. You live the life you think about. The words, “Free Spirit” have been used by other people to describe me. Where I was born in New Brunswick, Canada, I recall a story written about me in the local paper entitled, “She’s from another planet.” That certainly sparked a discussion:)
October 18, 2008 at 8:07 am
davinahaisell
Hi Liara.
We do like words don’t we? And so often we are walking advertisements too. What planet are you from? 😉
October 19, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Alan Laferriere
Hey there,
I can truly relate to your experiences, and admire your humble recognition of certain youthful beliefs in need of redirection. I too have realized that the person I see in the mirror is all they’ll get (like it or not), but getting to know ME will become all that matters to those who matter.
I have posted links to both your blog and your website on my facebook profile.
October 19, 2008 at 7:39 pm
davinahaisell
Hey little brother Al!
Glad you popped in. I sure takes the pressure off when you live by that perspective. It’s not always easy though is it? Thanks for sharing the links.
December 15, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Simply Perfect: 43 Holiday Tips from On Simplicity Readers | On Simplicity
[…] One of my favourites when I was a little girl was making a string of popcorn to put on the tree. Mom would pop the popcorn and we’d take a needle and thread and string it together. –Davina […]
March 5, 2010 at 10:17 pm
Authentic
Generational unwiseness is what your pure spirit intuitively knowingly seeks, not of hopefulness, of pure knowingness of the pure light that is the core of your pure spirit within, of the same light you are from, that everyone is from.
Sadly, the world embraces generational egotisms, a foe of forgetfulness of the pure spirit within us all, where most do not embrace the pure spirit as what is of most value in life beyond all the riches of the worldly falsehood empty egotisms.
Turn towards the pure spirit you constantly are within, that has always been of the core of your BEing since born, not realizing all this time that there are not many who are of preferred priority knowingness certainty that their pure constant loving intuitive spirit is of oneness emotional honesty safety everyone subconsciously seeks within others at all times.
Sadly, you suffered needless as a result of unwise generational lack yet in the world, the same lack of preferred priority of pure spiritedness asleep in ignorance of so many the world over, so much so, we leave defenseless children to suffer and die daily behind spiritual walls of death, with no voice of their own to cry out to us, if only we would take the blinders of societies status quo egotisms off to purely feel the pure spirit within unattended, just as the pure spirit of the child without is unattended, a direct link of undeniable unwavering unchanging TRUTH constantly there all around us.
bless you all
July 20, 2011 at 1:01 pm
Freespirit
I felt as if I would have written those words. Because with me was the same. I was living my life inside my head instead of living it to the utmost. But thank God I realized it and now I am finaly learning how to be Freespirit 🙂