I went for a walk.
It was a beautiful day. The sun was poised in the western sky at that point right before sinking towards sunset; that brief and silent pause before changing direction.
Stepping in rhythm to the song on my mp3 player, I set the pace for another good power walk.
Five minutes later I was rudely cut off by a driver who was either in a bad mood or who simply refused to give pedestrians the right of way. I swore under my breath and scowled at him. This got me to thinking about other situations and people I’d come across that annoyed me.
I walked and wandered further, reflecting on this intrusion into my thoughts. I wandered past remembering these times to remembering how my reaction whether expressed or not, had bothered me.
I had regretted allowing myself to be caught off guard; for not “walking my talk”.
More walking. I remembered how after letting go of judgment and of what had annoyed me, I was able to see how differently the situation could have been handled.
I reminded myself that my path would most likely come across more idiots and obstacles. By expecting them I would be less likely to react.
With this, I felt less vulnerable. The power walk was back on.
I’ve always believed in the power of positive thinking. But isn’t it true that dwelling only on the positive doesn’t necessarily mean your life will always be rosy? Life happens and we never know why some experiences come across our paths. Some things can’t be controlled, but attitude certainly can be.
Wearing rose-coloured glasses doesn’t help anyone. Through meditation, I’ve focused on the positive and tried to ignore the negative. But the fact remains that it is there in many different forms and you can’t walk away from it.
When you simply notice negativity, in yourself and in others, you are not inviting it in. By noticing it and not judging it, you put yourself in the position to shift its path and let it go.
Noticing doesn’t mean you have to accept or put up with the situation. But, it can give you a moment to make up your mind how and if you will handle it.
Noticing keeps you flexible. It gives life a chance to flow as it needs to.
It takes practice though. But don’t worry…
There will be traffic delays.
You may be put on hold for too many minutes.
Sometimes you’ll wait in long lines.
People make mistakes.
You might miss the bus.
Just a few examples.
Is there a particular situation where you remember not having responded the way you would have liked to?
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Photo Credit: Prony
31 comments
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November 20, 2008 at 10:58 am
Dave Fowler
Davina, I’m troubled by this most days and have to work hard not to let annoyances derail my efforts. I find that I have to let the moment have it’s say in my mind before I can let go of it and move on to something of value in my life. I try to learn from the experience. Honestly, I’m not grumpy really :D
November 20, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Betsy
Hi Davina – Just last week I missed a turn, had to double back and the sensor thingie for the left turn signal must’ve malfunctioned because I sat and sat at the intersection, steaming like a teakettle. And then I blew. “COME ON, YOU SOB!” There I was, yelling at a light and pounding the steering wheel. :D
You are so right. I noticed how ridiculous that was and laughed at myself for the next ten miles. I arrived at my destination ahead of schedule, too, so it was even more dopey to have responded that way to begin with.
November 20, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Kip de Moll
Nice post.
Annoyance is in the eye of the beholder. The one who created the action is most likely oblivious. The annoyance is our own responsibility. you are so right that noticing it lets it go. Remaining in the state of annoyance is staying in the moment that happened behind you. You give that guy the power. Letting it go and returning to THIS moment keeps the power within you.
…So easy to say, so hard to do…
November 20, 2008 at 3:15 pm
createabalance
I wish I had more patients and tolerance for (as you say) idiots and obstacle in my life. I recognize they will continue to exist and I work on being aware of how they make me feel. I try to observe and be aware instead of turning into a prickly grumpy beast. But the prickly grumpy beast (my ego) sometimes wins. Sometimes I’m just too tired for my higher level awareness and my ego takes over. It’s a work in progress.
November 20, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Urban Panther
My previous partner was negative about everything. He had road rage, walking rage, shopping rage. You name it, he raged about it. To counter this, I was the complete opposite, and say everything with rose-coloured glasses. This got exhausting! And it wasn’t normal.
Now, if some idiot cuts me off, I say “IDIOT!” and maybe a few other choice words. And it feels GOOD! I have released my shock and frustration at other people’s rudeness, and I’m good to go.
I think it’s healthy to burst out in frustration. It is not healthy to dwell on it or go into a rage.
November 20, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Secret Key Candace
Its really how we react to every situation. Of course, not everything will go our way all the time but it’s what we make of the challenge that comes before us. I truly believe our thoughts and attitude change the outcome. If you are negative then only negative things follow. The first most important step is to recognize it when it occurs. Once you recognize it you can begin to change how you react and your thoughts.
November 20, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Julie
Oh, Davina, I agree with you wholeheartedly, and only wish I’d come across the concept much earlier in life than I did. Since practicing simple awareness, without judgement or ownership, life’s become so much easier and pleasant.
That said, there are some instances I’m still struggling with: when wrongly accused of something or when interrupted in conversation. Funny, though…it’s only when close family does this that I’m bothered. When anyone else does it, I’m able to just notice and go on, without judgement or acceptance. It just slips right past. Now why is that?…that with family I still have issues? I’ve not been able to peg it, yet.
November 20, 2008 at 6:23 pm
veredd
I’m happy to say that I’m getting better and better at accepting annoying situations and not allowing myself to overreact to them. “Don’t sweat the small stuff” really works if you make it your daily mantra.
November 21, 2008 at 5:55 am
Cath Lawson
Hi Davina – I know what you mean. You can’t totally ignore negativity, or you wouldn’t be able to deal with it properly.
I’m always responding in ways that I shouldn’t – especially when I have PMT. There’s too many examples to think of one in particular. But I don’t really ever get road rage – I want to avoid accidents, not cause them.
November 21, 2008 at 6:26 am
davinahaisell
Hi Dave.
I don’t think you are grumpy; you are just a passionate person. Right?
Hi Betsy.
Steaming like a teakettle – too funny! It was good that you could laugh at yourself though. Better than holding on to it right?
Hi Kip
Welcome, and thanks for commenting. That is a good perspective to hold that the other person is most likely oblivious to what they’ve done. It sort of makes it easier to not react if a person can hold that in their mind. Thanks.
Hi Stacey
I hear you! A work in progress. My ego gets it’s way more than I’d like it to.
Hi Panther.
I does feel good to let it out, I agree. Feels really good! *smile*. It is difficult to be around a person who is always negative though. Quite draining.
Hi Candace.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving your comment. I think you are right about remembering that everything will not always go our way. That lowers our expectations and makes us more easy-going.
Hi Julie.
I don’t like being interrupted either. And you know what? I’ve been noticing that I do it to others more than I had realized. I wonder if you are just more comfortable telling your family that it bothers you. And with your friends you pretend to not see it because you don’t want to take it up with them…?
Hi Vered.
I enjoyed that book “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff”. I’d forgotten all about that one.
Hi Cath.
Too many examples to think of? *smile*. Ahhh, I feel better now. I guess in hindsight it’s better to let it out rather than suppress it. My boyfriend gets road rage and it’s difficult to talk him out of it. He is an excellent driver and doesn’t have patience for the other drivers on the road.
November 21, 2008 at 9:08 am
Barbara Swafford
Hi Davina – That is very true. No matter how positive we try to stay, we will have instances where we are tested. Our reaction will determine if we let it stay with us.
I remember last year when a friend and I were in a card store. They had a special going on. It was spend $5.00 on wrapping paper, and get a free roll. My friend was interested in the special but noticed that all of the paper was $4.99 each. When she asked the clerk how that worked (with a single roll being $4.99) the clerk said, “well, you have to buy another item to get over $5.00, such as a roll of ribbon ($1.99)”. I saw this as a type of deceptive advertising (over a penny) and I disgustedly said, “What a scam”.
My friend was shocked when I said that, (as it’s not like me to do so), and I did feel bad as soon as I said it, but I let it go after I told the clerk I understood she wasn’t the one who set the policy.
November 21, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Evelyn Lim
Little things seldom bother me anymore. I find myself getting happier and happier by the day. Like you’ve said, it’s taking the small steps to empower myself. Little by little, I practice less judgement, focus more on the positives and not putting up a huge resistance by going with the flow.
November 21, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Lance
Much like Evelyn, I am rarely bothered by little annoyances anymore. I just tell myself that maybe I don’t know fully the situation of the other party involved. And “usually” that works. And life goes on…
However, I wasn’t always this way. I remember, years ago, when I had a real problem with other drivers on the road, particularly drivers who might pass me, but then not go as fast as I would have liked. On more that one occassion, I would pass them, and then slow down in front of them. Bad. Very bad choice on my part. Saying it here, in fact, conjures up real feeling of guilt – even though nothing “bad” ever happened. I just feel really bad about doing it now.
And that’s my reminder today – for when I maybe start to have moments where I think the world around me has become inhabited by “idiots”. My reminder is that it is all in the eye of the beholder, and that I, again, do not know the full story on the other end.
November 21, 2008 at 7:29 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Barbara.
That was a scam! I’m sure you weren’t the only one who made a comment to that clerk.
Sometimes the habit is to avoid speaking up for fear of the consequences, when sometimes something needs to be said. Otherwise people would continue to go on making mistakes, disrespecting or scamming others if they’re not called on it. The tricky part is in the delivery; reaction or response.
Hi Evelyn.
You know I think you’re on to something with that perspective. “Little by little” is a good way to build up to something big. It must be all that meditating you do :-)
Hi Lance.
My boyfriend does that and it’s scary to be in his vehicle when he does. He’s getting better because I’ve said something. He’ll touch the brake at high speed too if someone is tailgating him.
You are right; we don’t usually know the full story on the other end, knowing that sure helps to keep that ego quiet doesn’t it? :-)
November 21, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Marelisa
I try to follow the concept of “The Work”: whatever you’re feeling is a result of what you’re telling yourself. Then you ask yourself: how would I feel if I stopped thinking of the rude person who started beeping at me a half a mile away so I wouldn’t even think of crossing the road and perhaps make him slow down for a fraction of a second? When you realize that you’d feel great if it weren’t because of that one thought, it’s easier to just let it go.
November 22, 2008 at 6:26 am
Linda Abbit
I used to let little things bother me, but I’ve mellowed as I’ve gotten older and wiser. :-) Don’t know exactly why, but I *don’t* sweat the small stuff most of the time, and if I find myself getting upset, I can let it go.
Life’s short and I’d rather stay in a place of positive thoughts than negative. The times when I get annoyed, I say to myself “If I ruled the world . . . .” and then figure out how I’d do it differently. Then I move on.
November 22, 2008 at 11:47 am
MizFit
I am bookmarking this post as I ADORE it and cant believe it has taken me so long to find your blog.
we’re on the same path….
November 23, 2008 at 5:39 am
davinahaisell
Hi Marelisa.
Sounds simple! “Whatever you’re feeling is a result of what you’re telling yourself.” I like that.
Hi Linda.
You’re the second person to mention Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff. You’ve given me a good idea! It would be an excellent way to start the day to read a small passage from that book.
Hi MizFit.
I love your enthusiasm — thanks.
November 23, 2008 at 11:59 am
Liara Covert
Every human being learns and evolves at a subjective pace. The evolution of awareness is what grounds people. They begin to sense things they had not noticed before. It is what you assume is invisible and imperceptible that greatly facilitates your transformation. Great post!
November 24, 2008 at 1:32 am
davinahaisell
Hi Liara.
An amazing comment – thanks! “The evolution of awareness is what grounds people.” Love it :-)
November 24, 2008 at 11:26 am
Robin
Hi Davina – I’m much better than I used to be at not reacting to every little nuisance that happens. For me, not taking things personally is part of it.
I tend to think that if lots of little things are happening that really are less then desirable, such as bad drivers when I drive to Mum’s (2 hours), I am somehow out of the flow and I need to change my attitude e.g. say to myself that I am having a peaceful drive. I think this is more then changing my attitude towards these drivers – it’ll work out so that I don’t cross paths with them.
November 24, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Bamboo Forest
“I had regretted allowing myself to be caught off guard; for not “walking my talk”.”
I would say, responding to a bad response is a good response. What’s particularly detrimental is when we do not confront our non-ideal mannerisms; that is when we are in trouble. Autopilot is the worse frame of mind for which to go through life. Growth doesn’t happen that way.
Playing basketball, I sometimes get angry. Though, I’m beginning to make great improvements here.
I think one quality that underscores all of this is: humility. If we can continue to strive to develop a humble heart and mind – when things don’t go our way – we are much more likely to respond favorably.
November 25, 2008 at 6:18 am
Kelly@SHE-POWER
When Bunny was a toddler and still waking hourly through the night and screaming and tantruming all day O can honestly say I over reacted to absolutely EVERYTHING. If I wasn’t raging, I was crying. It was one of the most exhausting and debilitating times in my life. Thankfully, it was a transient period and I am not usually like that. Most of the time I am one of those people who doesn’t let little annoyances get to them. Though in the past, I was more sensitive to the behaviour of family members and did become little miss cranky pants if I feel let down or ignored or irked in some way. Sitting here now, I am trying to think of how I don’t let things bother me, and maybe it’s like you say. It’s not that I don’t notice rudeness, for example, because I do. But I don’t see anyone else’s behaviour as my problem. I just let it slide over me. And if it’s something that needs to be handled, I just step up and say something. I don’t stress about it or stay angry. I am slow to burn, but push me far enough and I will explode. Then just as quickly, I’ll get over it and move on.
Kelly
November 25, 2008 at 7:13 am
davinahaisell
Hi Robin.
I like that perspective you shared about telling yourself that you are out of the flow when this happens. I’m going to use that one. Thanks!
Hi Bamboo Forest.
This was awesome! Thank you. Anger is a healthy response when it is a response as opposed to reaction. It’s a tough one to balance, but you are so right that growth doesn’t happen if we avoid confronting issues that need to be dealt with.
Hi Kelly.
A screaming toddler, day and night, is enough to push anybody into a state of overwhelm. It’s healthier to let it out than to hold it in, that’s for sure. Left suppressed it’s an explosion waiting to happen. I’ve exploded a few times in my life and after the dust settled I felt rather foolish.
November 25, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Natural
yes right now i’m totally ignoring someone because they are an *** ****, i could have responded differently by trying to talk it over with them, but i felt myself getting so angry that i wanted to strangle them….i’m not too mad right now, but i’m still not speaking to this person and they are not speaking to me. i don’t hold grudges and we can be cool again, but i’m not going to take the first step because i always do and this person was just wrong in the way they behaved toward me and they lied on top of it.
regarding traffic, it’s easy for me to get in a huff because people do some crazy things, but i don’t know the circumstances behind their action, so i try to let it go after calling them an idiot. i go through my moments and i only hope that people extend the same kind of mercy and understanding….we all have bad days or weeks.
November 26, 2008 at 8:39 am
davinahaisell
Hi Valerie.
Exactly! We all have bad moments. I get into a huff quite easily… guess I’m just a passionate person and I haven’t learned yet to reign this in. It’s a learning process and we’re all at different stages.
Too bad about that tiff you and your friend got into. Sometimes it’s better to walk away if you are feeling too angry. After things settle down then you can come together to talk and clear the air.
I had an issue with a friend a few weeks ago. I was really triggered, but I didn’t explode. I told her how I was feeling. But, I realized that because I was “triggered” so much, I had a role in the interaction. I took a long hard look at how my ego was playing this out and why I was bothered.
We spoke and didn’t have a confrontation. We just discussed it and all is well now.
I hope you two can clear this up and let it go. :-)
November 26, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Pink Ink
My challenge is to notice, but not dwell on it. Great thoughts :-)
November 26, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Sara B. Healy
Davina,
Isn’t it amazing how things connect? I didn’t know this was your blog.
In answer to your question, I can think of tons of times when I’ve haven’t responded the way I would have liked. One way I handle this is what I call “going gently into my day.” I use this when I find myself annoyed, frustrated or having a really bad day.
The idea is to approach everything in the rest of my day with gentleness. So, I smile at the tired grocery clerk who’s not being helpful, I slow down and let the impatient driver move into my lane, and I make an extra effort to be nice. Basically, I stop fighting.
Mind you, this isn’t easy for me. By nature, I tend to be like the people I’m smiling at; impatient and frustrated. I’ve discovered, however, when I do “go gently into my day,” these negative emotions just fade away.
Thanks for the wonderful post,
Sara
November 26, 2008 at 7:04 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Pink Ink.
Thanks. It is a challenge to notice, cause we act so quickly and unconsciously sometimes; quick to defend I suppose.
Hi Sara.
Yep, this is where I live :-) Thanks for dropping by! Glad you enjoyed.
I like what you’ve said in regards to stopping the fight and going gently into your day. I think the more we practice this the better we I get. I used to get down on myself for showing my frustration, but I’ve learned quick recovery and get to that point less now.
December 8, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Liara Covert
Davina, you remind your readers that it is the simple things that make a big difference in how you feel. To permit yourself to evolve means to give yourself the opportunity. This relates to nurturing a mindset, being willing to relinquish certain kinds of control and deciding to take new initiatives. I love the attitude. Enthusiasm is catching!
December 8, 2008 at 5:43 pm
davinahaisell
Hi Liara. “Nurturing a Mindset” — I like that! Kind of like tending a beautiful flower garden… ahhh, thanks for that metaphor :-)